Oh. Hey. What’s up?
I’ve been hibernating for quite some time now, but my metaphorical winter has come to a close, and I am now forced to step back out into the daylight. It scares the shit out of me.
If you’re familiar with me and my work, you know that I used to be a go-getter. I always have 14 jobs, numerous performances, and a couple of my own shows that I produce with friends. That all kind of came to a halt a few years ago. Nothing suddenly changed. There was no one incident that happened that forced me to stop creating. It was a slow roll, and then one day, I woke up and realized that I was no longer an artist.
You see, like many Americans, I suffer from depression. You’d never know it because I’m not that stay-in-bed, crying, recluse type of depressed person. As a matter of fact, when I told an acquaintance about my depression, she exclaimed, “But you’re so much fun.” Yep. I’m a Good Time Charlie depressed person. And although it looks like I’m having the time of my life, I’m usually spending so much time repressing my feelings that I forget to create things. I forget that creativity is my Prozac. Mostly because creating involves sitting still, looking within, and making something out of nothing. It’s work, and depressed people don’t like to work.
But the thing about depression is that it’s coupled with anxiety, and the longer I avoid my creative medicine, the more anxious I become. This past year, I have been waking up in the middle of the night, heart beating wildly, thoughts of doom running through my mind. I’m going to grow old, alone, and unhappy. I’m going to get sick and die. I’ll end up homeless. These are the thoughts that have been taunting me for quite some time, and it’s been a huge struggle.
I have finally come to the conclusion that the reason I have not been myself is because I have put my creative life on the backburner. Well, that needs to end. I really don’t have a choice. If I don’t do SOMETHING, I will go crazy. I have to start taking my metaphorical Prozac again, or I’ll end up being a depressed, anxious crazy person for the rest of my life.
So this is step one, people. I’m getting back in the game. Starting from scratch, so to speak. My stand-up calendar is pretty bare, I have no self-produced shows on the books, and there is no new blog. But that’s all about to change. Are the 4 of you that are reading this right now excited? I certainly hope so because I’m scared out of my mind. Do I have it anymore? Am I able to create anything worth a damn? I don’t know, but I have to try.
Presenting ME – Coming Soon